I really have no idea

As the kids would say, IDEK (I Don't Even Know). I really have no idea what I am doing most of the time. My husband, who holds me on a pedestal so high that if I teetered just a bit and fell off, I'd be unrecognizable smithereens when I hit the ground, thinks that I must surely always be quite aware of what I am doing and, more than half the time, I do simply because I'm a Virgo and plan things ahead of time, with numerous contingencies in mind just in case.
However, especially these days, being in chemo brain fog most of the time, I do a lot more things by the seat of my pants, without a plan and with abs-fucking-lutely no earthly idea as to what I am doing or whether or not its a good idea. I'm simply getting by. I'm doing the best I know how and hoping that the damage it might do to myself, my children, my health or to my relationships with other people in my life isn't permanent and irreparable.
I hate being like that, by the way, in case you did not know that about me (which very few people who will probably read this do know that about me). I prefer to be in control and have a plan and be aware of all things going on in my life and the lives of those I am responsible for. That's not always possible, though and I have learned that I cannot always be in control. I do not always have a plan or the wherewithal to form a plan in my head or on paper and cannot possible always be aware of everything going on in the world around me.
People in my life might even suffer because I have no idea what I am doing. I often have to pray that I will get guidance since I sometimes cannot guide myself. Its kind of like that "Jesus take the wheel" feeling, but without Carrie Underwood and her imaginary baby taking center stage in my life. If only I had a producer to run the show like they did in her video for that song, Maybe then, I wouldn't worry so much about the complete lack of planning going on in my life.
Maybe then, I might be able to sit down and write a blog like this without having to get onto my 3 year old for irritating the absolute shit out of his little sister because I had planned better and did my writing at a different time or in a different place instead of in the presence of awake, insane little toddler siblings who delight in aggravating one another. Maybe. I really have no idea.